Ned vs the Seven Deadly Sins
by PPP SSC
Summary: Anastasia, an angel, comes from the sky to tell Ned Flanders about the prophecy he must fulfill-to cleanse the town of Springfield of avatars of the seven Cardinal Sins. Includes minor swearing, mild slash, a character death, and some sexual themes.
1. The Prophecy, the Plan

Ned vs. the Seven Deadly Sins

_Seven avatars will fall from the sky: The avatars of Lust, of Gluttony, of Sloth, of Wrath, of Envy, of Pride, and of Greed. And only one man may take them on. One man with a good wholesome Christian upbringing. One man with good wholesome Christian values. One man with a bushy brown mustache… wait, what the hell? A bushy brown mustache? Are you sure that's part of the prophecy?_

"_Yes," said my superior. "It is always written that the man who may take on the avatars will have a bushy mustache. And it must be a brown one too. Without it, no man has ever been able to stop the avatars. The avatars that have come down are all there now. And so is the man of the prophecy," he continued. And on the screen down below was a picture of a man with neatly combed brown hair, big round glasses, a green sweater, and the bushy brown mustache. He was driving his kids to Sunday school, and his kids were praying in the car. Their cherubic appearances were more than simply skin-deep, and that's when I realized, he was my man. So I came in the form of a young woman, just his type. With red curly hair and standing tall. And that began the journey of my prophecy._

He was shocked by the initial view of me at first. He said, almost too awestruck to move, "M-Maude?"

"No," I answered, regretfully, "My name is Anastasia, and I am an angel."

"An… an… angel? But you guys haven't been leaving heaven since Jesus Christ! What's the occasion?" he asked, probably rhetorical, and probably disbelieving me. But I was bound to answer.

"You see, you are the man that all prophets have predicted would someday defeat the Avatars of the Cardinal Sins. And we have reason to believe that all the avatars are living in this town," I answered, and he just looked shocked at me.

"No, really? Ned Flanders is a prophecy boy? Well, I must say diddily-didn't expect this!" He was quite surprised actually, that even though he was studying the rules of the Bible, he was chosen for such a serious mission. The seven sins were somewhere in this town. I knew it. I knew exactly where to look for them.

I had to be careful about Lust, for Lust had a doppelganger, who was just a normal person. If I caught her by mistake, there would be hell to pay. Literally. Satan bet me 500 dollars that I couldn't find all the sins on my first try. I told him I didn't gamble, but he made me anyway. Devils…

Gluttony and Sloth would be harder to figure out. There were plenty of fat people in the town, but Gluttony and Sloth were only two. I heard Gluttony was very passionate about some things and cared not at all for others. Sloth was apparently stupid but that still didn't narrow it down enough for me, for there were plenty of fat stupid people in the town.

I did have one clue though. Apparently Sloth and Envy both worked for Greed. And Greed shouldn't be that too hard to find either. The real question now lies, who is Envy? Those jealous tend to hide their feelings strangely well to those not already seeing something in advance, and what was Envy envious of? Of Greed's money, or of Greed's acceptance of Lust, or of something that was not related to Greed whatsoever.

And Wrath and Pride were apparently both felons, even in a society where the Cardinal Sins are ignored. Wrath was caught, convicted and has not been released since, but somehow Pride always manages to get away.

As Ned and I pondered the possibility, he came to the rushed conclusion that there had been some mistake. That he knew the names of all the townsfolk and none even resembled the names of the avatars. I told him, "Devil avatars are very dangerous, and they must come up with their names on their own. Some come up with long, embellished names, others clever anagrams of ulterior motives, some with drastically different common-levels between their first and last names, and some can't even think of names at all, and go by names they're sure people will call them anyway eventually."

"Oh, god…" he said, pondering that his neighbors could possibly be devil avatars in disguise. "Oh, god, I've been so forgiving all this time, and some of the people I've been forgiving aren't even human at all, but rather, Devil Avatars!" Yes, he had finally believed that I was an angel and was telling him the truth and was correct. And soon the fights would commence that would cleanse the town of the deadly sins.

_Note from my superior: the deadly sins had a secret meeting today. Here is what the avatars did. Pride sat at the head of the table. Greed complained, "Oh, come on! In normal life I get to be at the head of the table. I'M the rich one."_

"_Oh come off it," said Envy, "I could tell you were staring at Lust, sir."_

"_Well, since she IS the only female present, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me not to…" Greed complained, only making Envy's condition worse._

"_Wrath…" Sloth muttered while waking from his sleep. "Stop trying to kill my son."_

"_He's not really your son! He's just a guy who got me in trouble," Wrath insisted, "And I think I should be ALLOWED to kill him."_

"_Should have been your son, though. The process is quite fun," Lust said, looking at Greed._

"_If you don't stop staring at Greed I'm going to throw a fit!" shouted Envy._

_Pride said, "Shut up, this is supposed to be a secret meeting about how to beat Ned Flanders and all it is is Greed's man-wife yelling at his mistress. I could have watched this on daytime TV. Sheesh." The term man-wife caused Envy to blush, but Greed was simply mad._

"_Hey," noticed Wrath, "That's MY job, Greed. And at least I have an EXCUSE to be mean, Pride!"_

_Gluttony emerged from his inertia just to say, "This is the worst. Secret meeting. Ever."_

"_Oh, come off it," Sloth said, "What do you want to do, agree with the enemy? Active sin?"_

_Greed and Lust kept staring at each other, and Envy ran away saying, "Why must Greed and Lust be so good together? It's never Greed and ENVY, no."_

"_Oh for crying out… you know I don't condone homosexual behavior!" shouted Wrath, pulling out a knife and attempting to attack Envy with it. Greed stopped it with his bony hand._

"_That's quite enough! I'm an old tired devil, and this is taking WAY too long," Greed said, "And for your information, Envy just happens to think I'm cute. There's nothing wrong with that."_

"_Remember not to blow our cover like that in public, sir. As far as everyone's concerned, you're clueless about my feelings," Envy said, embarrassed._

"_Oh I wouldn't, Envy. You have actually been the most respectful this time, with the notable exception of myself."_

"_That's 'me', sir, and you're acting like Pride. You're Greed! Your main goal is monetary gain, not self-affirmation!"_

"_Nag, nag, nag. It really does seem like you're my wife, Envy. Honestly."_

"_Even though I wish it so, it cannot come true, since the day it came to play, I've been in love with you," Envy said, as if he had written those lines already._

"_Sloth," Wrath advised, "You're living NEXT DOOR to the target. It shouldn't be very hard at all to distract him."_

"_But I'm dumb as a post. You all know that," Sloth whined, but Gluttony pushed him forward._

"_Then he'll never suspect malice. Just like how hard it was for Kirk to believe Spock had committed mutiny in The Menagerie, although kind of backwards because Spock is incredibly brilliant, and you're so dumb you make Ensign Chekov look smart," he said, and with that managed to confuse the heck out of the other six devils._

"_Excellent…" Greed said, tenting his fingers, "So this plan will commence soon enough?"_

"_Yes, sir," Envy answered, making sure Lust wasn't eyeing him again. She was, but fearing Wrath's well… wrath, he did not act upon his well… envy._

The news had made me quite frightened, especially for Ned's sake. Was he really the man of the prophecy? And even if he was, could the prophecy be wrong? A human so delicate would have a tough time beating seven devils, especially on his own, so what was the harm in me helping him? My superior told me that if I helped him during the fight I would break the prophecy, but he never said I couldn't help him train.


	2. Lust, Envy's Revelation

Ned was prepared. He was quite a well-built man, although the clothes he wore gave you the impression he didn't care about his body, although it could just have been his ultra-conservative choice not to entice those who followed Lust. He was willing to fight the deadly sins, and the first one on the list was Lust.

Lust stood outside with her doppelganger, both smoking, and we had to pick very carefully which one was Lust and which one was her doppelganger. They looked so similar to each other, I'd wager to say that the only differences were that one had parted hair and their outfits were different.

"Patty," I heard one of them say, "If I was, I don't know, a physical manifestation of lust, would you still love me?"

"Oh, Selma," replied the other, "You've been that way for years and I never disliked you before!"

"No, Patty, I mean, what if I was REALLY the physical manifestation of lust?" the one called Selma shouted out. She's the one. I pointed her out to Ned.

Ned looked shocked at me and replied, "But… that's my next-door-neighbor's sister! And she would never forgive me if I hurt part of her family."

I tried to explain to Ned that the cardinal sins had all been expecting him for quite some time and that with the less restraint he uses, the shorter it will be before the town is purified once more. Ned looked rather pale at that moment, but I pulled Lust over. She warped the two of us to a pink vortex, where Ned stood. I went behind him, and gave him some advice on how to fight Lust.

"Lust will try to use bodily temptations to lure you into her trap. Refrain those feelings and you will be safe," I said to him, "Oh… I hope you'll be okay."

"My name is Selma Bouvier… and I AM LUST!" she roared. Suddenly all of Ned's clothes scattered about the ground. He was totally naked, head to toe, and Lust summoned some of her demon disciples, some scantily clad women, who began shedding what little they did have on right in front of Ned's face. I know I saw his face turn red, which meant he was giving in. But he looked behind him, and saw my face, my hair, my body. Suddenly he was super-powered.

"Maude… I married Maude before I diddily-did anything quite so in-diddily-timate as this," he said, and his clothes returned to his body, and the women disappeared, all except for me and Lust. Lust's worst enemy, marriage, had won. "Take that, diddily-deadly sin!" Suddenly, we were back in Springfield, and there, lying on the ground, coughing softly was Selma Bouvier. The spirit of Lust left her body, to be replaced with a pure soul. Selma Bouvier had been set free.

"What happened?" she muttered to her sister, standing just above her.

"You just got a little out of it, Selma, but don't worry, because you're with me now. So, off to chase a boy again like you do so often?" Patty asked.

"You know," said Selma, "I don't feel like it. I'd really rather go skiing with my two favorite sisters."

"Great!" Patty said, with some shock, and a lot of disbelief, "I'll go call Marge!"

Ned was still awestruck. "What an odd experience," he said, "And do I really have to do it six more times?"

"Yes," was my reply, "And next, we tackle Greed."

_Note from my superior: The avatars had another secret meeting. Here is what happened._

"_Lust has gone missing," Pride said. "I don't know what has become of her, but Selma Bouvier in her purest form now seems to want to take a vow of celibacy."_

"_If you ask me," interjected Envy, "It was good riddance to bad rubbish. I mean, who needs a woman around to steal all the love Greed could give to me instead?"_

_Greed, though he was an old tired devil, managed to shake Envy about and say, "Don't you get it, Envy? If Lust was defeated, then WE could be next. Any of us, Envy. Any of us."_

_Envy continued, "And if you ask me, Greed, I'm sure Waylon Smithers would be much happier without me. No one likes being jealous."_

"_This isn't about your vessel, Envy. This is about your spirit. If you are defeated, then you cannot be able to cause havoc and anarchy about your land, and your embodiment will be destroyed."_

"_See the way I see it, Greed, is that you, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride, and Lust before she was defeated have way more fun than me and Wrath. I am pondering why I don't have something that someone else does, and letting that ruin my life._

"_It's not even the same level. Wrath and I are very delicate; we do not control sins that are tempting, we control sins that OCCUR due to extenuating circumstances, usually caused by people of the other five, and that most would try to avoid at all costs. So, unlike you, Greed, I have no desire to continue to live in this vessel. I think Waylon Smithers deserves a chance to be thoroughly satisfied."_

"_Envy may be overpowering but the truth is even the lingering sediments of Lust in his body may stop him from being thoroughly satisfied…" Greed insisted, "Now can we please change the subject? How did Sloth's distraction work?"_

"_Oh… not too terribly well, boss. You see, I forgot that I was supposed to distract Ned Flanders and he was having a barbecue and he was cooking hot dogs and I was hungry—no offense, Gluttony—and please don't be mad at me."_

"_Don't be ridiculous, Sloth. That's Wrath's job."_

_Wrath nodded, because he had been accepted. But what he really wanted to do was kick Envy up there for calling him "delicate". And for changing the subject back to his vessel's happiness._

"_Maybe if Montgomery Burns wasn't so greedy he'd care about other people's feelings and that lingering of Lust could be satisfied, Greed."_

"_Don't try to drag me down with you, Envy. You can forfeit, but I'll put up a hell of a fight."_

Ned and I were just lucky that the board seemed not to get along.


	3. Greed and Envy, Wrath's Betrayal

I warned Ned that this next battle would be hard. Greed had taken the body of a resilient old man; one who anybody would think should have died long ago, but still he managed to live. Greed lived alone in a mansion, although his assistant did spend a lot of time there. We drove up to the mansion, and saw that he was not there. But we knew where his other perch was; the extravagant office in the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. So we found him quickly. I pulled him over, with his assistant looking in shock at me. "Let him go!" he cried, pounding on me, which worked—showing that he too was a devil in disguise. But that battle was to come later.

"Oh, it's quite alright, Smithers…" Greed said, so very calmly, "I just need to crush my inferior and then we can get back to business!"

Greed took and warped us to a golden vortex. "My name is Montgomery Burns and I AM GREED!" was his first hissing call. He said, "Look at all the things you can buy with money!" Suddenly, lovely things started appearing around us. An image of the left-handed store where Ned worked showed first normal, then an extravagant emporium. A flash-forward of his sons as teenagers, getting all the pretty, good, and absolutely not naughty girls in town due to their exorbitant sports cars showed. A statue, standing tall, made of pure diamond, except for the mustache and hair which were pure gold, of Ned showed. "Money is the most important thing in life…" Ned was grinning at the prospect of the sports cars, although he did seem thoroughly unimpressed with the offer of the impractical statue. But he shook that grin off his face.

Ned looked angry. "There are kids out there who feel dejected and left out because all their classmates have the coolest new stuff and they can barely afford clothes and food. And what kind of man would I be if I couldn't let them have a little happiness. I'm sorry, but I'm giving at least a portion of my diddily-dough to char-diddily-arity!" Greed looked shocked, and I thought he was defeated.

But he wasn't. "It's going to take a little more than an empty promise to sway Greed. Remember, I'm a businessman!" Suddenly he warped the sports car in front of him, and put in a parallel to it, a burly ten-year-old. "Now, you must CHOOSE! You can give this money to the child, or you can keep it and spend it on a BEAUTIFUL sports car."

The child, Ned insisted, was one of the kids who teased his neighbor at school. But if he really was needy, that would explain why. Ned looked sad, and handed the money to the child. The child looked as though he was going to have a heart-attack. "I've… I've… I've never seen this much money in my LIFETIME!" He began crying, after which he said, "Don't tell the guys at school about this, okay?" He drifted out of the vortex with no memory of what had happened, with the money in his hand. Greed's worst enemy, philanthropy, had won.

"NOOOOOO!" shouted Greed. We were immediately warped back, and there on the ground, was Montgomery Burns. The spirit of Greed drifted out and a pure soul replaced it. Montgomery Burns had been set free.

"Sir?" asked the assistant, clearly worried as all get out.

"I'm dying…" he said bluntly, "But before I die… I want to give all of my billions to charity."

The assistant said, tears welling up in his eyes, "As you wish, sir." He wrote a check for the entire bank account, and drove to the nearest charity, where he donated the money.

"Wow, how'd you get all that money?" asked the person accepting the donation, and the assistant told him the sad story. Running back as quickly as he could without being stopped by the police, he managed to reach Montgomery Burns before it was too late.

"Smithers… I hope you're not disappointed in me…" Montgomery said, looking at the grim and heartbroken expression on his assistant's face. "Because you sure never disappointed me… my one love…" And at that moment, Montgomery Burns died.

Smithers cried himself dry. "God, why now sir? Why not before? Why not… why… why… why??" Then he looked back at us, with an expression of TOTAL anger. "You killed him!"

"I… knew I would never be as important to him as his material possessions, but still, I liked to hope… I loved him, god I loved him so much. But I was never his first priority, until he… he…he…he died! I hope you're happy for killing him!" he yelled.

Ned put his hand on Smithers' shoulder saying, "That couldn't be further from the truth. It was never my intention to kill anyone; I was just trying to remove the gree-diddily-eed from his body."

"Then…" Smithers said, "Remove my impurities too!" His face was streaked with tears and his eyes were so red they made my hair look blue. He was miserable, and the only way we could possibly make his life a little easier is if we took his advice and removed his impurities… his impurity of Envy.

"Can we do that vor-diddily-ortex thing again? It's sure a fun time!" Ned said, upbeat enough to sicken the heartbroken man.

"Whatever…" he said as he warped us to a green vortex. "Now you have to resist the urges to show your jealousy of anyone. Such as your neighbor, whose wife is still alive… unlike MY BOSS!"

"Aren't you going to intro-diddily-duce yourself, like Greed and Lust did?" Ned asked.

I nudged him gently and said, "Ned… he's heartbroken. We should be thankful he's humoring us at all…"

"Okay fine!" he sighed, "My name is Waylon Smithers and I am Envy. Happy?"

Ned said, "Well…"

"Neither am I so shut up!" he responded. "Now back on the topic of your neighbor's wife… aren't you jealous she's still alive, unlike yours?"

"Of course I'm a little jealous, but it's nothing to be spiteful over. I mean, he's my neighbor, and I'm happy if he's happy."

"At least you're constantly being jealous of a friend… me, I had to be jealous of money, of the plant, of employees who didn't work nearly as hard as I did but got perks anyway, of women, and of every person I knew with a life partner!" Envy shouted.

"Well I'm certainly not envious of that…" Ned said, looking sympathetic. He then said, frankly, "You were too shy."

"W-what?" asked Envy, shaking at that conviction.

"Instead of going and getting the one you loved and longed for, you stood back and watched as money, a job, other employees and women consumed him away from you. The reason you are jealous… is because you can't face the fact that you might be rejected, and therefore, shy away. But if you really want to live life free of envy, you should start by being strong and heading after what you desire… then you can truly achieve it…" Ned spoke, and Envy smiled softly.

"Thank you," he said, "For removing my soul… from this innocent man… away I go."

We were warped back and I saw Waylon Smithers coughing softly on the ground. The spirit of Envy had been removed and replaced with a pure soul. Waylon Smithers had been set free.

"I must say, I'm impressed with you, Ned. Most modern Christians think that the story of Sodom proves that people like him should not have a right to love… but you, you think clearly. Are you sure you're human?" I asked him.

"Yeah, but… it was love. True love. Not lust, in fact the sexual draw if there was any, was hard for me to see under the blanket of affection…" he said poetically, "But I'm not saying there wasn't any sexual draw… in fact there most likely was, but all I'm saying is that was not his motive. His motive was pure."

As we left the office, he still cried over Montgomery Burns' body. He was racked with regret that he never got a chance to share his true feelings, but he decided to turn over a new leaf. The next man who came anywhere close to the level of Montgomery Burns' beauty, he would ask out on a date, and the two of them would bond. He was no longer afraid of rejection, and could now go ask for what he really wanted.

_Note from my superior: There was another meeting today. Here is what happened._

_Pride sat at the head of the table and said, "I'm so glad that old fossil and his bitch are gone. After all, this is supposed to be a meeting of the Deadly Sins, not the Ancient Gay Sins."_

"_Deadly, mm… yes…" said Wrath, sharpening his knife on Gluttony's Nintendo Entertainment System._

"_HEY!" he shouted, "And whose idea was it anyway that we weren't allowed to eat in here? Seriously, my metabolism is frail enough that if I don't eat 4000 calories a day or more, I'll collapse right here and now. That's vintage, Wrath! And it DID still work, although, now I don't believe it will anymore."_

"_It must have been Greed's," said Sloth. "He's so skinny he must be agoraphobic. I think…"_

"_More like, anorexic, stupid," Wrath growled. "But if Gluttony needs that much food, perhaps we should give it to him."_

_Pride said, "What, give in to the Passive Sins? What kind of Active Sin are you, Wrath?"_

"_I don't know…" mumbled Wrath, "The kind that feels sorry for Envy?"_

"_You feel sorry for Envy? But just two days ago you were trying to kill him for being homosexual. Continuity error!" shouted Gluttony._

"_Continuity error? Oh why is everything about fiction for you, Gluttony? Some of us actually have lives!" Pride wailed, "And aren't morbidly obese geeks like you!"_

_Gluttony looked sadly down at his sagging skin-fold and showing belly. "Perhaps you're right, Pride. But in all honesty, you are the worst. Leader. Ever."_

_Wrath said, "I know what it's like to be abused… and he was abused. Greed abused him all the time, but he put up with it for love. I was trying to put up with it for fans, but I caved. I turned to anger! And that was because my soul was inflicted with Wrath. Envy was right all along. I don't WANT Sideshow Bob to suffer any longer."_

_Gluttony and Sloth both started cheering. Pride said, "Quiet! We don't want any forfeiting done! We can still beat Ned Flanders… and you, Wrath, you better not put up an easy fight like Envy did. We'll erase your name from the hall of fame too."_

_Wrath got a devilish smirk (although since he is a devil, that's to be expected) and said "Hall of fame? Well I don't actually NEED to be there, do I?"_

The quickest route now would be to fight Wrath next.


	4. Wrath, Dwindling Forces

Ned still looked a little guilty. He couldn't get over that he had killed Montgomery Burns. But I swore that the next battle would be better for all of us. I saw the man in the prison cell, and I asked, "Are you… Sideshow Bob?"

"Why yes, I am. You recognized me? Well, I guess I did use to put myself through hell on television before I was replaced by some martyr… good to see some people still remember me. You want an autograph or something?" Sideshow Bob asked, looking truly elated that we had recognized him, but then the bitter expression returned. "Or do you just remember me as a cold bloodthirsty murderer?"

I pulled him over, making his cellmates very confused. He warped us to a red vortex. He towered and shouted from the bottom of his heart, "My name is Sideshow Bob and I AM WRATH!"

"Now, that's what I'm talking about!" Ned said, excitedly.

He quickly jotted down a list of all the things Homer Simpson had done to Ned in the past. "You've forgiven him for ALL of these things, yes?"

"Why, yes, I have. And don't try to convince me that I shouldn't have…"

"I wasn't planning to," said Wrath, "Sideshow Bob deserves to be a revered celebrity, not an infamous felon! The quicker you remove my spirit the better! But there must be some sort of test… otherwise the vessels—I mean people—will be trapped forever with our dirty souls."

Ned winked, and Wrath winked back. "People make mistakes. Some worse than others," he began to preach, "But if we don't have forgiveness, then we'll just rack up our dun-diddily-despicable behavior. And then no one will forgive us. So what do you say to forgiveness, Wrath? Is it a concept you should grasp?"

"Forgiveness and Wrath are incompatible," he insisted. "But, now, Sideshow Bob may be free. Free of the guilt that comes with the actions I send off. Free of the vengeance that he had once promised. Free to show his real side… the side of celebrity and fame, not infamy and fear."

We were warped back. And there lying on the ground, softly coughing, was Sideshow Bob. The spirit of Wrath had been removed and replaced with a pure soul. Sideshow Bob had been set free. Well, metaphysically, anyway. Physically, he still had time to do. But when the guard saw how kind and placid he was being, he was released. And he asked Krusty the Clown to forgive him, and told him that he wanted his job back.

"Well, you see, since you went psycho, I replaced you with Mel. And he hasn't gone psycho… so, I'm keeping him," Krusty said. Sideshow Bob was not angry. He was sad. Krusty's Jewish guilt got the better of him. "Hey, listen. Don't feel bad. I'll tell you what, from now on, we'll do a DUET sideshow! How does that sound to you, Bob?" Sideshow Bob smiled.

"That would be great," he said. "And, Krusty? I don't think I'll be 'going psycho' again, anytime soon." Suddenly the show became a three-man show, and it wasn't too hard for Mel to adapt.

The fight was alright, but the result is what pleased Ned and me the most. This one did have a happy ending.

_Note from my superior: There was another meeting today. Here is what happened._

_Pride looked at the two remaining sins in front of him, both sleeping off the all-you-can-eat buffet that they had installed. And they did eat it all—Gluttony ate five sixths of it and the remaining sixth was eaten by Sloth. The expression on Pride's face showed that he had been mortified. All the other vaguely useful sins had been eradicated, leaving him the only one who wasn't out-of-shape and disinterested in the fight._

"_Wake up!" he shouted. "This is NOT nap-time, you lazy bums!"_

_Gluttony woke up, but Sloth kept sleeping. Gluttony shouted, "Wake up! The Enterprise is under attack by the Death Star!" When Sloth kept sleeping, he said, "Huh… it always works for me."_

"_WAKE UP!!" Pride screamed, "Or I'm TOTALLY gonna kick your ass, bald man."_

_Sloth woke up in a daze and said, "I resent that comment, Pride!"_

"_Oh… why am I stuck with YOU TWO? Lust and Greed were too weak to survive their fights, and Envy and Wrath were too emotional to want to. So now I'm stuck with a guy who talks in inside-joke jargon that NO ONE UNDERSTANDS who can't stop stuffing his face and weighs a ton!"_

"_Correction," he said, "I only weigh ONE FOURTH of a ton."_

"_And a bumbling idiot whose only claim to sin-dom is to lie around like a potato all day!"_

"_Well, you know maybe your leader skills have something to do with it. Gluttony did say you were the worst leader ever."_

"_Hey… if you're going to quote me, inflect it correctly. I specifically said he was the worst. Leader. Ever."_

"_Not that there's a difference in meaning. But then again, you WOULD nitpick about something like that, you uber-nerd," Sloth taunted._

"_Geeks and nerds are not the same, you nub," responded Gluttony._

"_SHUT UP" said a very frustrated Pride. "Gluttony, would it kill you to act stupid for once, and Sloth, would it kill you to act smart for once?"_

"_Jeez, if I didn't know any better, Pride, I'd say you were channeling Wrath and Envy," Sloth noted._

_Pride looked sad, and said, "They were two of our strongest sins. But then they had to go and get all emotional and leave. I'm counting on you two, now, and if you let me down, then I'll have to take matters into my own hands."_

"_So why not go first?" asked Sloth._

_Gluttony said, "It never makes sense for the supreme bad guy to lose before two weak people on the supreme bad guy's side. We have to try."_

_Sloth and Gluttony shook on it, and Pride said to himself, "I certainly hope they do it right. If not, I may have to fight, and I'm too strong for Ned to stand a chance against. I want him to lose gracefully."_

Ned and I would now be facing what may be the hardest fights yet… against Sloth and Gluttony.


	5. Gluttony and Sloth, Fear Inducing

Sideshow Bob was happy. Selma Bouvier was now monogamous with a man she knew only as Lou. The police force was happy to have a new family member to add to the group, along with Chief Clancy Wiggum's wife Sarah and son Ralph. They plan to spend the rest of their lives together. Montgomery Burns is buried in the grave marked with a tombstone reading:

**CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS**

**??-CURRENT YEAR**

**DIED OF SUDDEN GENEROSITY**

It was the gravestone where poor Waylon Smithers mourned every day since his death. Today a man caught him by surprise.

"Hello," he said. "You really liked this man didn't you?"

"He was only the love of my life…" Waylon Smithers responded. He was not afraid of being rejected so he was honest.

"You want to talk about it over a drink, maybe a little lunch or a nice quaint dinner?"

"Quaint? That's my type! I'm in!" He was happy for the first time in days. Ned felt better about himself.

"Now, remember, Ned," I told him, "Sloth is VERY close to you. I mean, VERY, VERY close to you."

"Oh… I know that. He's only my next door neighbor," Ned said facetiously. I didn't know that though.

I asked, "Ned, how did YOU know?"

"I was just kidding…" he said, "But, if it comes to fighting Homer, I guess I must."

We walked into his backyard, and I pulled Homer Simpson over. He warped us to a gray vortex. He bellowed, "My name is Homer Simpson and I AM SLOTH!"

Ned stood in amazement as a pretty couch appeared right in front of him. "Go ahead, sit on it," Sloth said, "It won't be an automatic forfeit for you. You have to wait."

Ned reluctantly sat on the couch. "Wow," he said, "It sure is comfy."

"Yes, now there are problems out there. What are you going to do… go out and solve them, or passively sit on your comfy couch watching television?" Sloth asked. The couch was admittedly very tempting, but when Ned caught sight of a child being beaten by three older boys, he realized that he must act.

He said, getting up, looking Sloth straight in the eyes, "Now listen here, passivity is all well and good in the short term but it's terrible for you and for the people around you who need your help!" He walked over to the boy and scooped him up.

He looked into the tender nearsighted eyes and said, "There, there, youngster. It's gonna be all right."

And the quite in shape Ned ran the boy back to his parents, who accidentally hugged each other while trying to hug the boy. But it was nice. And Sloth fell that day. Sloth's worst enemy, activity, had won. We were warped back. And there, lying on the ground, softly coughing was Homer Simpson. The spirit of Sloth had been replaced with a pure soul. Homer Simpson had been set free.

And Homer did a fantastic job at the power plant, now owned by Waylon Smithers and his new boyfriend, Kieran Macintosh. The most beautiful thing of it all was that he got paid extra, got a raise and a promotion, and was opted the employee of the month just for today's work.

Ned was happy. He had already defeated five of the seven Deadly Sins, and managed to improve the lives of four Springfield citizens, although he did actually kill one. But humans are simply mortal, and that man had simply passed his prime.

"Now we just have to beat Gluttony and Pride!" I said to Ned, "You're doing wonderful!"

"Thank you," he said to me, and he blushed. "Listen, Anastasia, there's something I want to ask you…"

I looked back into his eyes and said, "Ask me anything."

"Not so fast!" came a voice from behind. The shadow was towering and round. We turned and saw a man, of no normal BMI. He told me, "You may have beaten Sloth but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Huzzah!" He warped us to a brown vortex. He said "My name is…"

**We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin! Mayor Quimby was caught sleeping with his daughter-in-law again. How horribly scandalous for Quimby… this is Kent Brockman, signing you back into your regularly scheduled program.**

"Huh? Could you repeat that?" asked Ned.

"I said, 'My name is…'"

**Oh my mistake. It was his SISTER-in-law. I'm always getting those mixed up.**

"And I AM GLUTTONY!"

"Why can't we hear your name?" I asked.

"Because," he said pulling out a script of _The Simpsons, _"Canonically, my only name is Comic Book Guy. So therefore, my real name shall remain unknown."

He hid it in his skin fold and summoned forth an array of food. "All you can eat," he said, "If you dare."

The food looked delicious, and Ned actually started drooling. But then he thought of the burly ten-year-old from earlier, lying in the street, and saying, "Will work for food". Just the thought of that blew his mind.

"No!" he shouted, "I don't dare. There are starving children out there. I don't want to deprive them just so I can get a second chin by eating loads of this. The sustenance to keep my body healthy is all I need. I will NOT overeat for pleasure, I will NOT dig-diddily-ig in. This food should be donated to others."

"Wow… what an impressive monologue. I suppose you think you're William Shatner. But of course you never could be, because Shatner pauses too much. And yes, perhaps this part IS a little embarrassing. No WONDER he never reveals his real name. He has bad body image. And all by my doing too. Goodbye."

We were warped back. And there, lying on the ground, softly coughing, was the Comic Book Guy. The spirit of Gluttony was replaced with a pure soul. The Comic Book Guy had been set free.

_Suddenly, the eyesore of a tavern owner walked up to me and said, "Look, I don't care if you're an angel, if you don't stop using that pattern of speech EVERY time you win a fight, I'm going to EXPLODE!" He was clearly VERY annoyed._

"_Don't worry, Moe, it's gonna be alright. There's only one fight left, and seeing as it IS the final battle, it won't just have the standard ending."_

"_Well, okay. There's a thing called a thesaurus. Perhaps you've heard of it."_

_Ned looked at me and said, "Hey, Anastasia… we need to finish the story!"_

"_Oh yeah, right."_

He said, "I'm going on a STRICT diet. No carbs or fat; just lean protein. And celery! Celery burns more calories than you consume when you chew it, right? I'm going to be in shape." He did get in shape. In fact, I won't spoil the last fight for you, but eight months after it was finished, Comic Book Guy was in the 200-300 range. He had lost half of his weight. And eight months after that, he shed his last surplus 50 pounds, making him a stud of a geek. Kieran Macintosh did stare at him from time to time. Waylon Smithers forgave him every time, because it was just a look. Nothing to be jealous of.

But for the time being, Ned and I had one last fight to fulfill. We needed to take down Pride.

_Note from my superior: Seeing as how there is only one sin left, there was no meeting. But we overheard him speaking in his room._

"_Oh, it's so brilliant. Ned Flanders, by succeeding in defeating the six other demons easily, has fallen right into my trap. Be humble while you can, zealot, because when I'm through with you, you'll be the braggart of the city. You'll feel so important it'll be like you're walking on air. And I will have won. Oh… yes… I will have won!" He laughed evilly. "Snake will never be without me… we shall live as one forever, and Ned Flanders will fall."_

_He dropped a picture of Ned and stomped it with his foot. "Say goodbye, you religious fanatic, because from now on Pride shall rule the town, and it shall consume you as well." The laughter was evil once again._

This was going to be tough.


	6. Pride, the Superior's Power

He rode up on a motorbike, and looked me in the eye. "Ned," I said, "Are you ready for this?"

"I certainly am, Anastasia. I'll win this fight, and then the world will be safe. And if I lose, well… I don't-diddily-on't know what will happen. Alright, Pride, warp me to your vortex."

"Vortex? That is SO Inferior Sin. _I _have a manor." He warped us there. "My name is Snake… don't try to get me to tell you any more, I'm too good for that… and I am the one… the only… the greatest deadly sin of all… superior to Sloth, Greed, Lust, Gluttony, Envy, and even Wrath…"

"Yes, yes, we get it!" Ned and I shouted in unison. "Official name!"

"I AM PRIDE!!"

We took the time to look around the manor. The walls were made of marble and there were columns in the middle. A velvet carpet lined the entry to a grand staircase. "Beautiful, isn't it? I built it myself. But enough about me. Let's talk about you."

"M-me?" Ned asked.

Pride said to Ned, "Oh, you mean you haven't noticed? You're a hero now. You got Selma Bouvier to settle down, and that means the Chief's second guy gets someone for himself, Patty is no longer unhappy, and men are now safe from her seduction. You convinced Montgomery Burns to give all of his money to charity, and had the bonus of killing off an infamous man to the town AND letting Nelson Muntz, the disadvantaged rambunctious youngster, keep enough money to support his entire family.

"But Burns' lackey and secret admirer Waylon Smithers wasn't too happy about you killing him, but you gave him the confidence to move on, and now he found a man who loves him back, and they're probably happy with the plant in their power. The freeing of those three convinced Sideshow Bob to come to you for help, and now he's as docile as a lamb, as happy as a clam, and as sturdy-tempered as a ram.

"Even Homer Simpson and Comic Book Guy were changed for the better, with the former performing like a real hard-working professional and the latter dropping pounds as if they were cookie crumbs. And don't think I forgot how in Homer's test you saved little Milhouse van Houten from those mean old bullies and made his totally hating each other parents hug each other…"

"So, what do you say Ned? Are you going to give in? After all, this is all very true. Nothing is exaggerated. All was you. All was you and you know it. You don't have to be perfect, Ned. You'll feel better about yourself if you admit that you feel good about yourself. Pride is not something you should really be ashamed of. If you have a reason to be proud, then you must deserve to feel that way."

"It is SO something to be ashamed of," said Ned, obviously unhappy. "That's why you're a CARDINAL sin."

"Well," Pride said, "Sometimes a cardinal is just a red bird."

"I will not get glory from this. I will not brag. I will not gloat. I will not think of myself as high and mighty even if everyone in town tries to convince me to!" he asserted. Pride chuckled.

"You see, Ned… that is what I thought you would say, so here they are." We were warped back, although not really. More like how George Bailey was warped to the world where he had never been born in _It's a Wonderful Life._ We were there but no one could sense us. We were invisible, silent, intangible, odorless, and bland. But we could hear everything people were saying.

Waylon looked over at Kieran and said, "You know, I never would have met you without Ned Flanders. He extracted ALL feelings of jealousy from my body."

"Wow," Kieran said, "ALL of them?"

"ALL of them. And I had never been as free as since I stopped being jealous of straight people and just learned to accept myself for who I am." They then kissed, passionately, romantically, with lots of slobbering involved. He stopped for a moment and said, "Of course he WAS the direct cause in death of the love of my life…"

Ned smiled, for he now had an excuse not to be proud of himself.

"But… he WAS a little old. Heck, he was an old man when I was a BABY! His death had to come sometime, and I'm sure it was better to have happened right after his sudden surge of philanthropy… even if it did ruin my chances of being with him… ever. But at least I knew there WOULD have been a chance."

Milhouse was cuddling up next to his parents who were actually HOLDING HANDS with each other. "That chance rescue from Ned Flanders reminded me what's really important—keeping Milhouse in a sturdy condition, so… even if I do get lusty for other men from time to time, Selma Bouvier's turnaround has inspired me to stay with you… at least for Milhouse's sake," the mother said, smiling at the father.

"Yes… yes, indeed!" he said, very excitedly.

Milhouse shouted joyously, and not aware that Ned was actually there, "Thank you, Mr. Flanders!"

I heard him say to himself, beaming mildly, "Y-you're welcome, Milhouse."

That was when Snake turned to smirking. Sideshow Bob and Sideshow Mel were feeding each other spoonfuls of cantaloupe, when Krusty replaced the spoons with sharp knives. "OW!" shouted the surprised sideshow performers, who growled at each other for a second and then started laughing.

"And just to think," Sideshow Mel announced (because everything he says sounds announced), "Without that chance encounter with Ned Flanders, you'd still be a homicidal maniac!"

"Yes, of course. You know, I'm starting to think Krusty is jealous of him, because we have only ever felt joy in our heart for Ned Flanders," Sideshow Bob responded, twiddling the spoon he found behind Krusty's back.

"Jealous? Me? Never!" he responded, "Well maybe more often than THAT guy!" He said, pointing to Waylon Smithers, who was now walking back to his apartment hand in hand with Kieran Macintosh. He was not afraid of what anyone thought, so he could finally achieve his desires.

"Lou," said Selma Bouvier, holding her middle area, "I'm pregnant. And the beauty of it all is… I KNOW the baby is yours!"

Lou smiled and said, "Then in nine months we'll have a kid. Ralph will have a pseudo-cousin to play with! And I'm sure they'll have a good time together. Ralph's a very fun little boy."

"And it's all thanks to Ned Flanders," said Selma, "That settling down with a kid is available once again in my train of thought. I tried it once but realized I would SUCK as a parent… but maybe, now is time to try again."

"I certainly hope so," said Lou, "Ever since I saw Ralph I've wanted to be a father. The Chief can't have ALL the fun, can he?"

Nelson walked up, wearing new and trendy clothes saying, "Ha-ha! Who's 'deprived' now?" The three older bullies he was asking looked at him in shock, and when he walked over to Milhouse, he said, "And I just killed your trump card, Van Halen!"

"Well actually, it's Van… never mind. That made me sound like a rock star! And I've felt like one too, ever since my parents got back together."

"And I suppose it was from the miracle worker, Ned Flanders, wasn't it? Because one day, he gave me some money. I don't remember the details about where we were. But I don't think we were in any place I'm usually at."

"Yeah, he really is a miracle worker."

"Wow, Comic Book Guy," said Homer Simpson's son, Bart, "You look great! You've lost what… 100 pounds, and it's only been a day and a half!

"Well, I technically only lost ten or fifteen, but I'm glad you can notice the difference," he said, "And perhaps I can start going by my real name:"

**This is Kent Brockman with a special report! I like pie. Back to the show.**

"Can I still call you Comic Book Guy for convenience?" asked Bart.

"Eh, sure…"responded Comic Book Guy. "And my quick and good weight loss has been all thanks to Ned Flanders."

Homer echoed, "And as much as I'd hate to thank FLANDERS for anything, I have to admit that he did get my job back on track, and he killed off my mean boss and so now I just have to work for his assistant who is nice."

Ned Flanders was losing. I could feel the sin of Pride pulling him forward. In the first fight out of seven, Ned Flanders was actually losing. It was hard for him to resist. Pride laughed hysterically. He believed his work there was done and warped us back to his manor. He shouted, "Give in, Ned. Give in. You know you deserve to feel proud. So just do it. Feel proud!"

Ned sighed and looked at the floor. "I give up," he said.

"No…" I whispered. Pride tied Ned to one of the pillars and set off an aura of conceit. Ned's vitality was quickly being lost. I began to cry, which triggered the rain in Springfield. But they had no idea what I was doing, and thought it was just a freak rainstorm.

Ned's eyes glowed red, and he said, "I am better than everyone else! I am BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE! There is no denying this any longer!" I was shocked. If my superior found out about this, I'd be gone, sent to hell, as a demon lackey. But I wasn't as disappointed in myself as I was in Ned. My sad expression showed it all.

"Yes, my pet…" Pride said, "You ARE better than everyone else… except me."

"No!" shouted Ned, "INCLUDING you!"

"That's what you'd like to think, wouldn't you, Ned?" Pride said, "But considering you fell into my trap, I'd say I'm better. Now look at Springfield, once I take it over, it will be the land for the proudest of the proud to stay."

The Van Houten family was the first affected. The mother stood up and said, "I can't believe you were ever the apple in my eye. You're not even cute. I deserve better."

"Well I can say the same thing about you, Luann!" the father responded.

Milhouse looked angry and said, "I can't BELIEVE someone as perfect as me spawned from parents as bad as you."

"Oh no…" I muttered. Ned was totally mesmerized. He didn't notice at all what was happening. But everyone in town had soon become proud. Even meek as all get out Waylon Smithers was complaining that he deserved better because he was so perfect. "This is terrible."

My expression did not turn happy once. Ned looked at me and his eyes stopped glowing. "Anastasia…" he said, "I disappointed you."

"Yes," I said bluntly, "You did."

"I RECALL my forfeit, Pride! I don't deserve to feel proud, because if I feel proud, soon enough I'll be TOO proud, such as I just was. You see, Pride, humbleness might seem out of range for you, but everything can be rectified by saying 'It was nothing'. Politeness dictates that if someone thanks you you have to respond, but nowhere does it say that you have to respond with, 'I sure deserved that thanks'.

"Yes, I did help people out, but… I also killed the love of someone's life. I probably put a damper on someone's complaining trigger; of someone so mistreated he needs one badly. If I can't say Homer becoming the plant's best employee was bad, I can say usurping the position from those initially better was. And the third-guy in the police force is now jealous as all get out, even if Waylon Smithers isn't, but frankly, that guy's new boyfriend strikes me as a lecher or at least someone who leers at strangers, so he SHOULD be jealous, god damn it. Oh, excuse my blasphemy, Anastasia."

"It's excused," I said, smiling at Ned's sudden change of heart.

"And I did save Milhouse, but the parental encounter was CHANCE! Chance or the act of God. But not me… I didn't cause that at all. And with all the changes the Comic Book Guy is making to his diet, I expect his look to change so much people won't even RECOGNIZE him. And that's gotta be hard for someone who is an icon of geeky-core. I'm diddily-done with you now, Pride. Time to say goodbye!"

"I don't understand…" Pride said, "My plan was foolproof!"

"I'm no fool, Pride. And maybe YOU'RE a little short of perfect, yourself," Ned said, smirking, for he knew he had won.

"I'm TOTALLY gonna pound you for this…" he said, "Hey, wait… you can't defeat me! NO ONE can defeat all six other deadly sins and then beat Pride! Noooooooooo!" And we were warped back.

There on the ground lay Snake, strength of body causing him not to cough even softly. The remnants of Pride were being removed and replaced with a pure soul. It took long enough, but eventually, Snake had been set free. When he got up he said, "I've been a BAD, BAD person and I'm so incredibly ashamed of myself. I'm going to go confess to a police officer."

"Is my cousin gonna be a boy or a girl, Daddy?" Ralph Wiggum asked his father.

"Your cousin… well I don't know, Ralphie," was the Chief's response. Snake walked up to him.

"Umm… excuse me?" he asked. "My name is Snake and I've committed a number of felonies."

"Which are?" Chief Wiggum asked, turning around.

"Let's see, murder, armed robbery, armed robbery, unarmed robbery, burglary, murder, statutory rape, regular rape, kidnapping, kidnapping, murder, burglary…"

"Okay, that's enough! You're going to jail FOREVER!"

"I know," he said, "And I deserve it more than you know." Snake's newfound shame kept him in jail and he never tried to escape.

All the fights had been completed, and there was nothing left to say except this:

"Anastasia," Ned said shyly, looking at my eyes tenderly, "I love you."

"We come from different worlds, Ned. You from Earth and I from heaven… it wouldn't work out…" I answered, and he started crying.

"I knew you'd reject me…" he said, "I was only there to fulfill your prophecy. We were never really bonding, were we?"

"Of course, Ned. And I love you too, but a relationship between an angel and a human… well, my superior would…"

My superior came down from heaven. He looked at me and said, "Anastasia, if you would like to be a mortal and live in happiness with Ned, just say the word and my father shall make it so."

"J-J-J-Jesus C-C-Christ?" Ned asked, not believing his eyes, and fainting immediately.

"Yes, I would…" I said, "Ned is more important than religious power."

"Father…" my superior called, "Anastasia has fallen in love with a human. Let's leave her on Earth with him."

"ALRIGHT!" bellowed a large and powerful voice. Suddenly, I was transformed into a human. And Ned and I began the rest of our lives.


	7. Epilogue

Epilogue

_Ned and I were going on our first vacation. Rod and Todd had never been happier than when I announced that Ned and I were getting married. It seems I reminded them of their mother, too. The beach was crowded and the sand was glowing. Little Sally, the baby of Selma and Lou, was already building sand castles with Ralph Wiggum. The two became fast friends._

_Comic Book Guy looked stunning in his bathing suit. No one covered their eyes when he walked by. His body was in shape and handsome. Kieran Macintosh literally drooled at the sight. Though envy had been removed, Waylon Smithers still had enough common sense to give him an ultimatum—pick him or Comic Book Guy. But since Comic Book Guy was just a pretty face, the two of them were happy. With the money that they had been making more of ever since Homer Simpson became the best employee in the plant, Waylon bought Kieran a diamond ring, which was returned with a cubic zirconium ring. But the material value of one gift did not mean the person out-loved the other, and Waylon knew it too._

_Kirk and Luann van Houten got remarried… to each other, and more importantly spent all their time with Milhouse rather than alone with each other. The family was a complete triangle once again._

_Sideshow Bob whispered something in Sideshow Mel's ear. They both started laughing. Sideshow Mel announced, "Krusty! Your sandwich is here!" Krusty took a bite out of the sandwich and tasted worms! There were many worms wriggling about on the sandwich._

"_Just a harmless prank," responded Sideshow Bob, "Not like MURDER or anything like that."_

_I began to bond with Ned's sons, and soon they started calling me Mommy. The entire world was happy and in sync. But last night I saw Waylon Smithers weeping at the grave of Montgomery Burns. I looked at him and said, "Drop a bouquet on the grave."_

"_A bouquet? But where can I find such beautiful flowers to mourn him?" he cried._

"_Ahem…" said Ned, "There's a nice selection in Homer's well-kept garden, and I'm sure if you ask him nicely, he'll give you some."_

"_You know, a year and a half ago today, I would have said, 'What would he possibly think of me being in love with the boss he has disdain for', but now I think that's a very good idea. Thank you" he said, kissing Ned on the cheek. "Hey, if Kieran can drool at beefcake it's only fair!"_

_But we all knew where Montgomery Burns was right now. He was not burning in hell. He was up in heaven with my superior, behaving as a very conservative financial advisor. He took into account all the people and believed that rich and middle class people should decide of their own accord to help the poor. Some things, such as his political stance, never change. But the things that do help us see the future._

_Selma Bouvier may never be a non-smoker or a conversational spark, but if she can get married for real, have a kid, and not leave, she can change anything._

_Montgomery Burns may never be a democrat or even have the green earth thought at heart, but my new husband was a republican too… and charitable republicans have more merits than democrats for taking matters into their own hands instead of relying on the government._

_Waylon Smithers is always submissive and always loving Montgomery Burns. But if he can be satisfied with whom he is and what he has, his life can drastically improve._

_Sideshow Bob never likes be abused, but if he can hold it in like Mel, who likes it just as little, kids will ask for his autograph instead of cowering in fear._

_Homer Simpson might still like to eat and have a short attention span, but the work he does when paying attention now more than makes up for it._

_Comic Book Guy will probably never "get a life" outside of geekiness, but at least he will no longer binge when people tell him to._

_And Snake… well, his shame may have been overwhelming, but I know deep down he's a spark ready to happen, and maybe his shame will actually trigger his next move. One can always hope it won't though._

_Ned had defeated the seven Cardinal Sins, and he and I were together in the newly peaceful town of Springfield._

_The End._


End file.
